Until You're Black and Blue
by LuckO'theIrish95
Summary: A new girl arrives at South Park Elementary, and appears to have a soft spot for Kyle. Everyone is happy for them, except one. Eric Cartman will do whatever it takes to prove that their "perfect romance" is nothing but a fabrication. Is she really all that she seems? Kyle is in for hurt, shock, and possibly even finding the true love he would have never expected. Kyman.
1. Talkin' About Fiona

**A/N: So I'm back and ready to start my next big fanfic project. I'm really nervous about this one, seeing as I've never really written anything huge for South Park before. The POV may seem all over the place as well, but that's because this chapter is just kind of the general layout of everyone's thoughts. Future chapters may do this again, or they may focus on only Kyle or Eric. I'm excited though, and any criticisms about characterization, layout, anything will be greatly appreciated. The only thing I ask is that you please do not bash Kyman. This is going to be a Kyman story, and if you do not like the pairing, or Yaoi in general, then please turn back. Otherwise, please enjoy the fic!**

"Dude, she's hot. Trust me."

"Fuck off man, she can't be that great."

"She's in the sixth grade though!"

"Yeah, what's so great about sixth graders? They're all violent, bullying assholes."

"She's different, dude."

"You sure?"

"Hey you guys talking about the new chick? Total babe if you ask me..."

Kyle Broflovski traversed the hallways slowly with his best friend Stan Marsh, as they subtly listened in on the latest buzz. All day, boys and girls left and right had been either gushing about or denying the attractiveness of a certain new student at the school. Neither Stan nor Kyle could be too bothered to contribute. Stan had Wendy, and Kyle had no clue what to think. It didn't mean he wasn't a little curious, though. The small Jewish boy shuffled his feet, pretending not to listen in on various snippets of conversation.

Stan looked just as unassuming, but with a slightly more indifferent look to him. It wasn't every day that a hot girl moved to South Park, but to him, it wasn't every day that a guy was seriously dating Wendy Testaburger, either.

"So do you actually think she's as hot as everyone keeps saying?" Kyle piped up suddenly, causing Stan to jump a little.

"I don't know, dude. I just hope Wendy doesn't automatically get jealous of her. Maybe it's better if I never find out."

Kyle was silent for a bit. He couldn't concentrate on the answer to his own question because he was hard at work trying to solve his own dilemmas. He more had asked just to make small talk. In all honesty, it had been a while since he had even liked a girl or found any interest. Since last year, to be exact. And now they were in fifth grade, with still no motivation on Kyle's part to look for anyone. He supposed it wasn't absolutely necessary to have a crush on someone all the time, but people would surely start whispering and spreading rumours about something Kyle was too afraid to address himself. Plus, a lot of the time he felt like he already thought about certain people way too much, and it was better if nobody suspected anything.

He shuddered as he thought of all the horrid outcomes.

"You alright?" Stan looked at Kyle's blank expression, expecting a response but getting nothing. He waved a gloved hand in front of his best friend's face to generate a reaction, but he was very quiet.

"Maybe I should talk to her." He suddenly blurted out, and then blushed at how loud it came out.

Stan cocked an eyebrow skeptically, then shrugged. "Go for it, dude. Just don't be surprised if she pummels you. She is in sixth grade, after all."

"Yeah, but those are stereotypes, Stan. Not all sixth graders are jerks, just like not all black people steal, and not all Jews are—"

"Speaking of Jews…" A voice came from in front of the two boys, and they wrenched their heads up quickly in that direction. Another boy, tall, stocky, and rather condescending stood in the doorway of the new classroom they'd be sharing for the next year. Kyle's face crunched into a disapproving grimace.

"What the hell do you want, Cartman?"

"Just overheard you fags talking, that's all. What's this about stereotypes?"

"None of your goddamned business!" Kyle was already livid, and it wasn't even first period yet. Such was the life of a young boy who was constantly being tormented by a racist, fat asshole. He tried to shove past the heavier kid, but Cartman stopped him on the spot.

"Ouch!" Kyle yelped as he was pushed back. "What the fuck is your problem, fatass?"

"Geez, Kahl. I'm seriously hurt right now. You don't even want to say hi to your best friend after a whole summer of not being in skeew together?"

"Okay, first: We are definitely not best friends. We aren't even friends at all. Second: I just saw you yesterday when you crawled in my window in the middle of the fucking night to remind me about the hell I'd be going through at school the next day. But you want me to say hi to you? Fine. Hello, you fat fuck. I hate you, now would you kindly let me into the class before I kick the shit out of you."

Stan pinched the bridge of his nose impatiently. "Guys, do we really need to do this right now?"

"This isn't your fight, Stan. This is between me and the Jew-rat."

Kyle sighed harshly at the comment and tried again to slip under Cartman's arm, failing and slamming into his stomach instead. "What the FUCK, Cartman?"

Cartman smirked in amusement.

Stan's voice became dry and aggravated. "As usual. Okay, well you two have your little thing, I'm going to make sure Kenny is still alive on his first day back at school. See you later, Kyle."

Kyle barely paid attention to his friend as he turned around and left the scene, and instead looked at the watch that was concealed beneath his sleeve. Fifteen minutes until class started. He clenched his fists, using all his willpower not to clock his rival in the face.

"Pretty soon, you're gonna have to move your stupid, fat ass so that other people can get through." He crossed his arms, and Cartman mirrored him.

"Who's gonna make me, Kahl? I'm going to stand here until you tell me what you guys were talking about."

"Why the hell do you even care? You're the fucking nosiest person I know, I swear to God."

"No, Kahl. I'm afraid the title of "nosiest person" goes to your fat, bitch, big-nosed Jew mom."

"Shut the hell up, Cartman!" Kyle's patience had been tested long enough, and he lunged out at the taller boy. For Kyle's size, he was incredibly good at fighting, and could hold his own in a fight with his rival any day of the week. Soon, Cartman was planted on his ass just outside of the classroom, and Kyle was busy wailing on him.

"Kahl! KAHL, STOP! You're hurting me, K-Kahl! Stop it, Kahl!" Cartman gasped his words in between punches to his face, as he wasn't able to over power the smaller kid. A whole crowd had gathered to watch the spectacle, including Kenny, who was cheering at the action.

"Mmm! Mmph-mm-mmph, mmm! (Yeah! Fuck him up, Kyle!)"

"Dude, Kyle's pretty violent." Craig said matter-of-factly.

"Still got a nice ass, though." Bebe giggled and nudged Wendy.

Wendy, however, wasn't really watching the fight, or Kyle's perky ass. Her eyes had been wandering for some time, until she spotted a group of tall, pretty sixth grade girls, with a new member added to the bunch.

A few of the guys had noticed as well, and their jaws dropped when they noticed that the gaggle of elementary school supermodels was heading their way. One of the girls winked at Clyde, to which his eyes went wide, and face went white. The younger girls all rolled their eyes, including Wendy, who was now leaving the scene, surely to find Stan and interrogate him about what he thought of the new girl.

"T-t-told you sh-she was ha-hot." Jimmy turned to face his friends, as they continued to ogle from afar. The new girl, however, wasn't interested in any of them. Her sights were set on a fiery little Jewish boy, who's hair had been freed from his hat, and was now panting for breath and sitting next to a very battered and angry Cartman. She waited until the crowd had dispersed, then sauntered on, the rest of her friends staying behind to flirt at random, distracting nearly everyone in the area.

"Hey, you." She said. Kyle looked up from his daze and finally laid eyes on her.

Shining blond hair was scooped up over one shoulder and done up with a flower clip. It looked really soft, and must have felt like silk. Looking closer, he noticed two big, blue eyes, and slightly chubby cheeks. They were rosy, though, and her curves definitely spoke for themselves. Was this girl in the sixth grade or the twelfth? Kyle swallowed the lump in his throat, jammed his hat back on his frazzled mop-top, and pointed to himself.

"Me?"

"Yeah, you! Silly, haha." She winked. "My name's Fiona. Fiona Barker. You might have… heard about me?" Immediately, Kyle rose to his feet, laughing nervously.

Cartman's eyebrows screwed together, his jaw tightening with each passing second. For whatever reason, he didn't approve of this "Fiona." She was seriously pissing him off right now. Just barging into him and Kyle's fight like that? What kind of bitch did that sort of thing? He glared daggers at her as punishment for her interruption.

"Heh, I'm, uh, my name is—"

"His name is Kahl. Kahl, the scrawny, little Jew-rat." Cartman looked smugly at Fiona, who had been taken aback slightly. She cleared her throat awkwardly and laughed.

"Uh, okay. Haha, well it's nice to meet you, Cal."

"It's not, 'Cal.' The fatass just doesn't know how to pronounce anything properly. "

"AYE!" Cartman shoved Kyle from behind, causing little impact, other than annoyance. He glared back at Cartman before continuing.

"My real name is Kyle. B-Broflovski. K-Kyle Broflovski."

"Oh, well that's an even cuter name… Kyle."

Cartman did not like the way she said his name. Almost too sugary sweet for his liking. He mentally punched himself for getting mad. So what if a girl liked Kyle? Lots of girls liked lots of guys, and lots of girls were sluts at South Park Elementary. Surely this chick would get bored and move on to the next desperate asshole in a few days. He feigned a smile and cut in to the conversation abruptly.

"Well, it's about time we got to class. Don't wanna keep the skeew day waiting, ya know, erhm. I'll cover Kahl's payment, uh, how much do you charge for flirting?"

"E-Excuse me?" Fiona looked onward with a glint of fury in her eyes.

"Dude!" Kyle exclaimed and turned to her. "Fiona, don't listen to him, he's a fucking retard."

"Alright, Kahl. Time's up." He linked arms with the protesting boy. "Lemme just find a pen and paper and you can write down the address of your corner. However, I can't promise that Kahl will be there later tonight due to his studies…" The boy continued pretending to concentrate as he fumbled about for a piece of paper and pen that he knew wasn't in his pockets. In his peripheral vision, he could see Fiona's face getting redder and redder from anger. He congratulated himself for pissing that bitch off as bad as she did to him.

"Fuck off, Cartman!" Kyle began to yank himself away, but Cartman had already pulled him into the classroom. "I'm so sorry about him. I'll, uh, see you around?" He yelled after her.

Fiona returned her soft gaze to Kyle, and nodded, her hair falling slightly out of place. "Sure thing, cutie pie." And with another wink, she bounded away into the morning hustle and bustle.

"What the fuck was that for, fatass?" Kyle was extremely livid as he sat down in a corner desk at the front. Cartman followed, naturally, planting himself right next to the other boy. "Why can't you just leave me alone for once? I was having a nice conversation with a nice girl, and of course you have to fuck it all up for me!"

Cartman didn't respond right away, as students began filing groggily into class. He thought about it, and he didn't really get it either. Why did he care so much? It's not like he liked Fiona, she was a sixth grader. And a whore. And probably on crack. And she wasn't standing in the way of his matchmaking either. So… what? He glanced up at Kyle, who refused to look at him, and had given up changing seats only because everywhere he went, Cartman followed.

Finally, the bigger kid lifted his hand in front of his mouth and whispered. "She's a little _too_ nice, don'chew think, Kahl?" He moved the hand to Kyle's shoulder and stroked it gently, tracing the bones underneath his skin.

"No!" He heated up at Cartman's not-so-discreet shoulder rub, and shook him off violently. "I think she's sweet, and if she likes me, well that's great!"

Almost every eye in the class was now focused on the two of them. Kyle's face went even redder, but Cartman took this as a grand opportunity. To accomplish what exactly, he did not know, but it would feel pretty fuckin' sweet nonetheless.

"BAHAHAHAH! OH, Kahl, ahhh, ohhh, that's rich." He wiped away a fake tear and continued, earning a generous look of confusion from the young Jew. "Ohhhh, oh Kahl. Poor, naïve, little Jew-rat, Kahl."

"What the hell are you talking about, fatass?"

"Yeah, man. What the hell is up with you?" Stan said steadily, with Wendy in tow. They took their seats behind the two boys.

"Oh, Stan, you didn't hear? Kahl, here, thinks he has a SHOT with that new chick, isn't it hilarious?" He started to laugh again, and Kyle's face went completely pale.

"W-w-what the hell, dude?" He stuttered, as coughs and giggles started to make themselves audible. "T-that's a lie! I don't- I mean- she…"

"Dear, dear Kahl. If only you knew how complicated love really is. You can't just go in expecting all roses and candy. You have to werk for it! And if you think you can just march up to her and declare your undying love, then you're an even dumber Jew than I thought."

Kyle was rendered speechless.

For the rest of class, Kyle didn't move a muscle. The original embarrassment of the whole situation was at last long gone, however, it had been replaced by a certain numbness. Everyone still stole glances of him now and again, and everybody's whispers usually involved the words, "Kyle," "crazy," and "not in a million years." The even more bizarre part lay in the fact that he didn't really care much about proving them all wrong. As much as he couldn't stand to admit it, Cartman's words were replaying in his mind. She was really friendly, but why just to him? He knew he wasn't that much to look at, and especially being one of the smallest fifth graders, nothing really added up. It was true, Fiona was attractive, and she could have anyone she damn well pleased. So why him, and nobody else? It was either a sign of her maturity, or a really sick joke. Kyle was afraid of the latter, and the possibilities of the who could have put her up to it. He shot another glare at Cartman, for emphasis. Then, he sat back, and tried to listen to the lecture, which was sadly going right over his head. Concentrating was not an option right now; he had enough bullshit to worry about. So, he looked straight ahead in a zombified state, all the while ignoring Cartman's nudges and prods.

"Kyle! Dude, snap out of it."

"Hnn?"

Stan was leaning over his desk, and had placed his chin on Kyle's shoulder. "Class is almost over."

Kyle glanced at his watch. It had only been one period of his first day, and already he wanted to strangle Cartman, burn his schoolbooks and shoot himself. And as the minutes dragged into pointless hours of thinking and over thinking, finally, the school day had ended. And not a moment too soon. Kyle was about ten seconds away from lobotomizing himself through the eye socket with his pencil.

"So, uh, dude…" Stan started, not quite sure where to begin. "About what Cartman said earlier…"

Kyle's eyes fluttered shut in annoyance at the mentioned name. "What about it? It's Cartman, he always finds a way to fuck with my life. No big deal."

"No dude, I, uh, I just wanted to say that I think you should try it out. You, know, with Fiona."

Kyle stopped dead in his tracks. "…What? Really?"

"Yeah, dude. I mean, word does get around fast, and some other kids even saw you two talking this morning. Maybe you have a better chance than Cartman thinks."

"Oh. Well, thanks, Stan, but—"

"And all the girls think it's really cute." Kyle raised an eyebrow and Stan's face flushed. "I-I mean, I know that because Wendy keeps talking about setting you two up somehow."

"Wendy? Isn't she mad about what you might do with Fiona while she's not around?"

"Naw, man. Wendy gets it, she's not mad at me or Fiona. As long as I don't fuck up, we're good." Stan smiled to himself now, obviously becoming lost in thought about his beautiful girl.

Kyle smiled with him, and pulled Stan in for a hug. "Thanks again, dude. I don't give a shit what anyone else says, especially that fatass. I'm gonna go see if she's still at the sixth grade lockers."

"Good luck, dude." Stan waved as Kyle skipped off down the hallway. Despite the excitement, Kyle still felt like his knees were going to give out at any second. And he wasn't too sure if the pain in his chest felt awful or uplifting. Probably both. Whatever the case, he was going to do this. Even if Fiona didn't like him back, he'd only feel upset for a little while, and she was too nice to tell everyone about the rejection anyways. Fiona was a good person, and Cartman was a horrid human being. Of course he was making all that shit up about whores and her being "too nice." It was all a ploy to sabotage Kyle's life, and he wasn't about to stand for it.


	2. Two Faces

**A/N: Happy Halloween, all! And as a Halloween present, I give you my second chapter. Enjoy! :)**

"Mmph, mm mphmmph mmm? (Dude, can you believe it?)" Kenny chattered, a slight hint of jealousy in his voice. He was standing beside Cartman that day at the bus stop, just like any other day- while he was still alive- and absorbing the news like a giant sponge. "Mmmph Mmmphmm mm mmphh mmmphh mm? Mmhh mmph mm mm! (And did you see the rack on her? Shit, I didn't know Kyle had it in him!)"

"Shut up, Keeney." Cartman grumbled, trying hard to mask his disapproval. Yes, word had definitely made its way around the block at break-neck speed, and it was nothing anyone would have ever expected, especially when it was about Kyle's success. According to Cartman, "Kyle succeeding" was like a foreign concept. His eyebrows rose when he spotted the boy a few feet away, walking with his hippie boyfriend Stan, and not with his newly acclaimed "girlfriend." Cartman scoffed at the sight of the small Jew, with his cheeks rosy, his green eyes brightly shimmering, a faggy bounce in his step. Jesus Christ, what a homo. And Stan, of course, clinging to Kyle's balls like they were a life harness, nodding and smiling with every word. Cartman turned back to Kenny, who appeared to be lost in thought, no doubt about Fiona's boobs.

"Just you wait. Pretty soon, 'Blondie' is gonna dump the Jew after she realizes what a mistake she's made."

Kenny rolled his eyes at this, to which Cartman ignored, and continued to stare at Kyle.

He'd often make this a daily habit, since Kyle would situate himself next to him or anywhere near him half of the time. He couldn't help it if that Jew was always in his sights! Like now, he'd found his way confidently in between Cartman and Stan, standing taller, that nerdy grin still plastered on his face.

_Time to take him down a few notches. _

"Oh, look who it is, everyone! The man of the hour! How've you been, Kahl?" Cartman's evilly, sickeningly sweet tone caused Kyle's face to morph into a look of skepticism. When he didn't answer, Cartman continued with the façade. "I just thought I would ask considering the big news…"

"Big… news? Oh, Jesus Christ, Kenny! Why'd you have to tell him about me and Fiona?" Kyle directed his glare to the hooded boy, who shrugged frantically in retort.

"Mmmph mm mmmhh! (News travels fast, dude!)"

Cartman ignored their sidetracking. "Fiona? Who is this, Fiona, of which you speak, Kahl? Because all I heard was 'stupid, ugly, slut-bag.'" Cartman placed his hand on Kyle's shoulder. "At any rate, I'm glad you've finally found someone who can stand within a foot of you and not get poked by your massive Jew-nose."

Kyle's eyes widened, and he covered his face with his hands. "Shut your fucking mouth, fatass! Fiona's not a slut, my nose isn't that big, and you're so goddamn ugly that I'm not surprised you haven't found someone yet who can actually stand to look at your dumb, fat, fucking face!" His cheeks were now blazing red, magnifying the usually barely visible freckles on his skin when he removed his two gloved hands. Cartman merely smirked at the boy.

"Nice freckles, Jew. I thought you were just a Daywalker. Anyways, you should seriously learn to be nicer to the person who helped set you two up in the first place."

"Wait, what?" Stan and Kyle both said at the same time, eyeing each other, then Cartman incredulously.

"If it weren't for me standing in your way of the door and you causing a scene the other day, then she never would have approached you to begin with." Things couldn't be better for the large boy, as he watched Kyle's pink lips twist into a frown. A frown of defeat, perhaps? Cartman started chuckling as the smaller boy before him stuttered in search for words.

"You're full of shit, and you know it! She told me she really liked me, so therefore, she would've approached me regardless of you. Now stop acting like such a jackass. She didn't do anything bad to you, Cartman, and yet you continue to say horrible things about her."

"Dude, he's right." Stan chirped up.

It was now Cartman's turn to roll his eyes. He turned away from them both. "Whatever helps you sleep at night, Kahl."

He gazed down the road, not bothering to look back at the pair. Not like it mattered. They were too busy reverting the conversation back to God-knows-what. Probably about all the STD's Kyle would surely receive after being in contact with that hoe. Cartman coughed, hoping it would look subtle enough to contain the rage that was building up inside of him as Kyle blabbed on about how 'cool' and 'nice' Fiona was. Again, Cartman wondered why he felt like this, and couldn't seem to shake it. It was true that she really had done nothing, hell, she didn't know him well enough. But for some reason or another, he couldn't help but clench his fists when her name was mentioned, something about her just rubbed him the wrong way. He needed to get to the bottom of this, to confirm his suspicions, and to force Kyle to admit defeat. That's all it was about, he supposed. To make Kyle squirm, feel pain, be anywhere else but with her. And Cartman made a mental note of his mission just as the bus slammed to a halt in front of the boys.

Kyle made a point of avoiding Cartman for the rest of the morning. He weaved through the halls alongside Stan, instead, wandering semi-aimlessly. Word had reached almost every ear in South Park Elementary by the time they'd arrived. The entire hall was filled with the sound of voices, most of them in disbelief, but the atmosphere was certainly a bubbling, happy one, nevertheless. Guys who would normally never give him the time of day, approached Kyle three separate times, just to congratulate him. It overwhelmed the small boy with a warm, fuzzy kind of happiness that was quite rare to him. Even Kenny got in on the action, bragging about his friend to many of the others, at times, even expressing his envy.

"Everyone thinks you fuckin' rock, Kyle." Stan laughed, as Clyde waved to them. Kyle waved back, then shrugged sheepishly.

"Heh, whatever, dude. Knowing them, they're probably just pretending to be my friends now, should something happen to our relationship. Then they can snatch her up for the rebound, or something."

Stan laughed harder, shaking his head. "It's no surprise that everyone is totally mad jealous. I know Ken is. He literally told me last night he'd die to be close to boobs like that on a daily basis, and that you're one lucky son of a bitch. I bet Cartman's even a little jealous."

Kyle's shoes screeched to a halt, his body whipping around to face Stan head-on. "You've got to be kidding, dude." The smaller boy's eyebrows furrowed into a look of confusion. Why the hell would Cartman, of all people, be jealous? He kept calling her a slut, and didn't react the same as every other guy when she walked towards them. If anything, Cartman was in love with Wendy, or that random Patty Nelson chick, or something like that.

"I dunno, Kyle…" Stan broke his muse, urging them both to start walking again. "He seemed a little pissed off when we were talking about her earlier."

"You don't think he'd try to break us up just so he could get with her, do you?" Kyle's words came out faster than he could stop them. He suddenly became embarrassed by the question, as if he'd been dating this girl for years, and this was some sort of serious relationship. But, goddammit, Kyle had a right to know this sort of thing in case it eventually did become more serious.

Unfortunately, Stan didn't have a very insightful answer to that question. "Don't get me wrong, Cartman, is a complete asshole, but, um, try not to worry too much. Besides…" He paused, obviously fumbling for more to say. "… if Fiona really likes you then I guess it doesn't matter what he does, right?"

Somehow, Kyle wasn't exactly convinced.

"There's Wendy, I should go say hi to her before she freaks out and asks where I was all morning." Stan joked. "You should go find your woman, too, before class starts."

"Yeah. Catch you later, Stan." Kyle sighed. He turned around and headed for the sixth grade area. A lot of the guys over there had very different reactions to Kyle's rapid climb to elementary school fame. Many shot him dirty looks, others whispered amongst their friends, and some even turned away from him. Kyle continued to act oblivious, for his own sake.

Why was he even here? He really didn't have the time to find her, after all, he still needed to find his first period textbooks and everything, but what Stan had previously said kept nagging at his mind. He realized he had to be careful with Cartman, just in case he was planning some stupid, completely insane plan that involved breaking them up. Knowing the fatass, it was probably already in the works.

And he really did care about Fiona, even if it did seem a little bit too soon to be feeling that way, and there was no way Cartman would get away with anything he had planned.

_It always has to be something with him. _Kyle thought tiredly, letting his eyes close for a brief moment before suddenly colliding with someone. If it was the person that was just on his mind, then nothing good would come of it in the least. He scrunched up his eyes and anticipated the worst.

"Kyle?" A feminine voice sang through his ears. Definitely not Cartman. He smiled and opened his eyes.

"Oh, Fiona! I'm so sorry, I wasn't watching where I was walking! Um, I was on my way to find you, so this little encounter seemed to cut my trip in half." He chuckled, a blush creeping onto his cheeks when he realized his rambling. He placed a hand behind his head and rubbed it nervously.

"No problem, baby." She winked at him. It seemed to be her signature gesture, the friendly wink. It made Kyle's chest feel warm all over again. And "baby?" He had no idea that not even a day's worth of dating constituted for pet names to start being used. He wasn't even sure if he felt comfortable with it. He mentally told himself to just play it cool.

"So, how have you been?" He figured if forced small talk could work in the movies, then why not here?

"I've been okay. Listen, Kyle, there's something I wanted to ask you about, actually. I wasn't going to because it seems a little bit silly, but…" She trailed off, and her eyes were downcast. Kyle looked expectantly, fidgeting a bit. "Baby, um, you know your friend? The large one?"

Kyle's face went white. The large one, his so-called "friend." There was only one person that fit that description. But why on earth would she be asking about _him_?

"C-Cartman? Yeah, what about him?"

Fiona sighed heavily, and tucked a strand of hair behind her ear. "Is he always, well, you know…"

The small boy's mind blanked, like he'd missed half of the conversation just now. Not knowing exactly how to respond, he slowly and cautiously replied. "Is he always what? Domineering? Vengeful? An asshole? I have many more, you can take your pick." Kyle chuckled lightly, however, his girlfriend failed to see the humour, which made him frown again.

"Well, maybe tell him to lay off, because I seriously don't know what his problem is."

Oh shit. "What did he do to you? Fiona?" Kyle reached his hand out and awkwardly rubbed her arm, for lack of a more effective calming tactic.

"He came up to me a few minutes ago. Said I'd better watch my back, whatever the hell that means." She folded her arms and huffed, clearly distressed. Kyle couldn't help but feel concern, even though he'd only officially known this girl for two days, and only been dating her for half of one. And just as he suspected, Cartman had something up his sleeve by now. It was so like him to ruin everything good that Kyle had going in his life. Well, he was going to stay true to the promise he'd made to himself. That no matter what, he wasn't about to let that fatass screw up his chances at happiness any longer.

"Don't worry. I've got this under control, and I'll let him know exactly what hole he can shove his threats into." Kyle smiled, and Fiona pulled him into an unexpected hug.

"Thanks, my Kyley-poo." She giggled, and nestled her face into Kyle's neck. Kyle's face heated up slightly, especially at the new pet name. He quickly decided to say something of the same effect.

"No problem, sweetheart." He cringed a bit at how unnatural and creepy that sounded, his own inexperience at this sort of thing being the primary cause. If there was one thing that Kyle Broflovski royally sucked at, it was romance.

Nevertheless, she seemed satisfied, and bounded off to rejoin the hurrying crowd, leaving Kyle alone to walk to class. He was stopped however, by an annoyingly familiar voice.

"Bahahah! 'Sweetheart?' You are too pathetic, Kyley-poo! And seriously, the joke's on you because I already knew what hole you were talking about the entire time, and I'm not gonna shove my threats in there. That's totally weak."

Kyle spun around and froze. How in the fuck did he not notice him hiding there? And for that matter, had he been listening in on the whole conversation?

_And don't use that pet name bullshit against me, you fucking fatass! _Kyle said internally, cheeks flushing pink.

"Fuck off, Cartman! I mean, really, you are going to disturbingly extreme lengths, even for you. And all just to piss me off? I'm fucking sick of it."

Cartman's blue eyes squinted into a dark look, and his mouth turned upward into a sadistic grin, almost like that of a jack-o-lantern. He walked closer, the smugness not once faltering from his expression. "What else is new?"

"Nothing, except just explain this one thing to me: why are you finding it necessary to harass my girlfriend all of the sudden?" The only good thing about this whole situation was that Kyle could get the interrogation about Fiona out of the way as soon as possible. To Kyle's surprise, Cartman looked almost worried for a second, before returning to his usual condescending air.

"Do I need a reason, Kahl? I do what I want, and you don't have the authori-tah to tell me otherwise."

"Well, you certainly waste no time in making me miserable. Why can't you just stay out of my goddamned life?" Kyle yelled in exasperation, throwing his hands up in the air, and stalking away.

Cartman stood watching him leave, no matter how badly he wanted to follow. He usually would follow, but he had much more planning to do, and the last thing he wanted was that sneaky Jew-rat prying answers from him. Cartman shook his head, shoved his hands in his pockets and walked out of the school. He had no need for class today. But instead of pondering other ways in which to carry out his actions, his mind kept returning to earlier in the morning, when he had approached Fiona.

She was talking with her friends, as usual, until they all ran off like little cowards. All probably scared of Cartman's manly toughness, no doubt. Fiona's brows screwed together, and she stayed rooted to the spot after Cartman called her name. He didn't want to be too direct, just an idle threat for now would do the trick.

"You'd better watch your back bitch, because I'm onto you." He pointed, smirking menacingly. She'd managed to keep rather collected, though the look in her eyes screamed something else. Cartman couldn't quite tell what it was. Unfathomable fear, or maybe even venomous anger, it was hard to say. What happened next, though, was anything but predictable, even if it did answer Cartman's questioning thoughts.

She leaned in really close, close enough so the her breath tickled Cartman's ear, then she hissed out a calm and callous whisper directly into it.

"Oh really, now? Maybe you should watch _your_ back, Lard Boy, before I teach you a lesson about threatening me." She then backed off, glaring daggers all the while, before taking off in a steady pace away from the large boy.

Despite his better instincts, he shuddered from disgust, and maybe a tinge of fear as well. Where did this bitch get off using that tone with him, like what kind of bullcrap was that? Not to mention, her voice sounded so different from before, and her normally cheerful face had a frightening edge to it, something almost inhuman. He didn't want to, but for a moment, he fretted for Kyle. His repressed feelings were elevated further once he realized who Miss Queen Bitch had just run into. Swiftly, he took action, and hid behind a trashcan to eavesdrop.

Cartman twitched again as he remembered it all, walking towards his house amidst the light snow that began to fall. Whatever she was trying to pull here with her little bipolar act, Cartman wasn't buying a second of it, and this no longer became just about humiliating Kyle. It was suddenly about Cartman's pride, bringing this two-faced bitch down for crossing him, and possibly even saving Kyle from his stubborn Jew self.

Saving Kyle. Why did those two words together sound so completely ridiculous, yet so completely justified?


	3. One Thing Leads to Another

Three more days had passed, and finally, the halls of South Park Elementary had quieted down from all the Kyle and Fiona-related hype. Now the two as a couple were barely referenced in conversation. People never really stopped being friendly, however, much to Kyle's surprise. And with Fiona around, he managed to generate smiles from his peers, and even the added bonus of the not-so-enthusiastic sixth grade boys leaving him be. He beamed up at his tall, cute girlfriend, as he thought fondly of her, and grasped her hand tightly in his own. At this angle, he could fully observe just how much bigger she was compared to him, and sometimes, he felt awkward being shorter and scrawnier than she was. She sure was adorable though, with her full, rosy cheeks and dimples, her larger frame and well-developed _areas._

_Get a hold of yourself, Kyle. It's only been a few days. _He thought as he continued to stare at her, a look of embarrassment slowly creeping into his features. The small Jew was surprised their relationship had evolved to hand holding, and that it even lasted this long at all. It was nothing like Stan and Wendy's, but he was thankful for it, nonetheless, and he'd be lying if he said he wasn't proud, too. With a confident stride to boot, nobody stood in their way as the couple marched through the corridors.

They were headed for the cafeteria to grab lunch, and Kyle found this to be the perfect chance to introduce her to a spot at his friends' table. Often times, Wendy would accompany Stan to sit with them, and everyone got along okay, with the exception of Cartman. Kyle suddenly cringed. Of course that fatass would start something, there was no way he'd just let her addition to the table slide easily. Even after all the buzz about the relationship had died down, some things never changed, Cartman's insufferable attitude towards Fiona being one of them.

Still, the small Jew led them onward and through the doors, across the floor and to the table where only Butters and Stan were eating and chatting. Well, not so much chatting, as it was Butters rambling incessantly, and Stan pinching the bridge of his nose lightly in subtle annoyance. But best of all about this whole scenario, no Cartman. Kyle breathed a huge sigh of relief and smiled brightly, ready to tell his friends of the new arrival.

"Hey guys." He chirped happily.

Butters turned, a messy tuft of blond hair swishing upon his head. "Oh, hey, Kyle. And who's this perdy lady you got with ya?"

Stan shook his head. "Dude, Butters, don't you remember? This is Fiona, Kyle's new girlfriend."

Butters' eyes suddenly became apologetic, as he corrected himself. "Oh hamburgers, that's right! I'm so sorry, Miss Fiona, I must've forgot. I guess my head's just not in the right place after this mornin'…" His voice became quiet, and he choked back a small sob.

Kyle and Fiona both looked at Stan questioningly, to which the raven-haired boy simply shrugged. "Yeah, um, Kenny died this morning. He wasn't looking where he was going, slipped on the ice, and fell down the school steps. We tried taking him to the nurse, but it was too late and she said he'd broken his skull too much from the fall. There was nothing anyone could do." Butters sniffed as Stan finished his sentence.

"Shit…" Fiona said quietly.

"Bastards…" Kyle said out of habit, then shook it off and returned to the matter at hand. "Anyways, I've been dating Fiona for a couple of days now—"

"Three days, specifically." She interjected coarsely, cutting Kyle off. "Erhm, _Sweetie_." She coughed at looked at the floor.

He raised an eyebrow. "Er, yeah. _Three_ days, and um, I guess I just figured it was time to welcome her to the table."

Stan didn't quite like the tone of he voice as she interrupted his best friend like that, but he decided to just leave it alone. She could have been in a grumpy mood or something. "Cool. Uh, Fiona? Have Cartman's spot. Here Kyle, you can sit in between us."

At the mentioning of Cartman's name, her faced screwed up into an unpleasant frown, and she snorted. "He sits at this table?"

"Uh, yeah." Stan said, while returning to eat.

"Seriously?" She turned to Kyle, anticipating a different answer, however, the boy wasn't exactly sure what to say. He merely tilted his head and sighed.

"We don't like him, but he hangs around us all the time." Hoping it would be a satisfying enough answer, he chuckled to emphasize the point.

Butters suddenly replied in his usually chipper voice. "Oh, well, I like Eric just fine. Sure he can be a bit of a meany sometimes, but he really is a super nice fella when you get to know him." He smiled widely, but Fiona just continued to stare at the tiny, blond, not responding, not even flinching. After a few moments, her eyelids closed, and she spoke once more.

"Hm. Is that so? Well, I beg to differ."

Kyle's half-grin transformed into a look of slight concern. Sure, she didn't like him. It was Cartman. "The" Eric Cartman, the bigoted, racist, Nazi asshole. When the aforementioned fatass shows up, realizes his spot has been taken, then retaliates, who knows what he could say or do? The last thing Kyle needed was unnecessary relationship stress weighing him down, and as much as he wanted Fiona to knock him flat, he also didn't want her to possibly end up getting hurt. Cartman and her were already obviously on bad terms, so Kyle was beginning to think this little plan of his wasn't such a great one. If luck would be so gracious, Cartman wouldn't show at all. Kyle only hoped.

Apprehensively, he placed himself down beside Stan, to which Fiona followed suit. She seemed to be content enough just sitting and eating, even though nobody was really saying anything. Stan munched hungrily at his sandwich, and Butters was already finished lunch, looking absentmindedly out of the window, perhaps feeling slightly awkward about Fiona's apparently immediate disdain for Cartman. The silence was almost unnerving to Kyle, as if the entire universe was waiting on the edge of its seat for the inevitability of Cartman's loud and boisterous arrival.

As if on cue, Kyle was thrown out of his trance by a very familiar voice sporting a not-so-covert accent.

"What the hell is this?"

Kyle groaned and rubbed his eyes with his small, gloved hands. Why did life have to be so fucking predictable?

Stan continued to nibble nonchalantly without looking at him. He only managed to slip out a small "hn?" in between bites.

"Oh, hey Eric! We was just, uh, talkin' about you some, hehe." Butters laugh rang nervously as he fidgeted. His eyes darted between Eric and Fiona, as if dreading the event that somebody would start yelling. Cartman ignored him, clearly too caught up in his own concerns.

Kyle watched Fiona's expression shrivel up sourly at the scene before them.

Cartman stood, pointing one bulbous finger straight at Fiona, a look of anger spreading across his face. His piercing glare shot directly from her to Kyle, and shifted back and forth. Kyle was about ready to crawl out of his own skin, but he decided that if there was a right moment to stick up for his girlfriend, then sooner would be much better than later.

"What the hell are you talking about, Cartman?" Kyle narrowed his eyes, dangerously honing in on the larger boy's blue irises.

"Her." He exaggerated his pointing. "Care to explain why she's in my seat, Kahl?"

Kyle shrugged, gaining more courage by the second. "Why does it matter? You can sit somewhere else. Preferably, at another table."

Fiona remained soundless, her calm mask surprising Cartman to some extent. She didn't act this collected after their first confrontation days ago. They'd never even crossed paths since then, plus being in different grades made it easier for them to avoid each other. Cartman just assumed she'd just blow up at him like before. But the way she sat there unmoving and indifferent made him sweat, and he definitely confirmed in his mind that something was up with her, exactly like a split personality. He figured he just needed Kyle to see her true colours, and what better way than to provoke her further?

"I care about the integrity of this table, Jew. I don't feel comfortable sitting in her presence. Especially when I was never informed."

Fiona's face twitched slightly, but Kyle didn't seem to notice. Cartman continued with gusto.

"Furthermore, it seems too sudden for her to start eating here. There has to be some sort of initiation. There are rules, you know."

Kyle chortled. "Since when, fatass?"

"Since I have a right to express my worry!"

"Just sit down, Cartman, and shut the fuck up." Stan chewed as he spoke, his words muffled. He still bore a neutral face, unfazed by the surroundings.

Kyle, however, was anything but calm. The rage building inside of the small Jew was hard to hide, even more so when Cartman reluctantly placed himself beside Butters and across from Fiona. The levels of tension would surely rise from this, and Kyle was not in the mood.

The rest of the lunch period consisted of heavy stares from both ends of the table. Kyle, Stan and Butters chatted about obscure things, all the while trying to ignore the uncomfortable air lingering around them. Even Fiona pitched in her two cents a few times, but oddly enough, Cartman stayed quiet. He was too busy thinking and glaring death at the blonde girl.

Soon, it was only five minutes until the start of class, and nobody was happier to hear that than those five, awkwardly seated school children.

"So, Fiona, what did you do this weekend?" Kyle said, engaging in some more small talk before it was time to leave.

Fiona looked down at him, fluttering her eyelashes. "Oh nothing really. I went to a wedding, that's all. You?"

"Sounds nice. I went with my family to the Synagogue." Kyle flushed deep red at his own comment. He was still embarrassed of his faith, simply because not many cute girls were able to look past stereotypes. He was unable to look at her in the face.

"Don't feel self-conscious or anything. I think being Jewish is totally hot." Her voice was laced in a flirtatious tone, which threw Kyle off. She leaned in close to him, but was interrupted.

Finally, after a shocking half an hour of silence, Cartman snickered loudly, ruining the moment. "Being Jewish doesn't make you hot. It makes you totally weak and lame."

Kyle copied Cartman's tone, projecting as much sass as humanly possible. "Oh, so the fatass finally speaks. You were being so quiet, I thought you'd died of heart failure or something." He looked onward, watching his rival turn red in the face.

"No one asked for this skank to sit here, Kahl. You can't possibly expect me to listen to her flirting, as well."

"She has every right to sit here, you fat piece of shit! And do you even know what 'flirting' is?"

"Yeah, I know what it means. It's when a dumb, fat slut like Fiona tries to be sexy and fails."

Kyle seethed. "We've had this argument before, and we'll have it again: stop harassing my girlfriend!"

Both of the boys were standing now, as the action gravitated to the end of the table. Cartman still sported that ridiculously insufferable grin on his face, Kyle had his fists up and ready, and Fiona stood behind it all, one hand covering her mouth.

Stan was the first to speak up. "Guys, I know you've almost gone a full day without fighting, and you both need your fix, but save it. The bell's about to ring."

As if on cue, a shrill noise sounded throughout the entire school, signaling for class to start.

"Uhh, w-well, see ya, fellas." Butters exited the scene hurriedly.

"C'mon, Kyle, let's go." Stan pulled on Kyle's arm, and the boy reluctantly followed, still watching Cartman.

"This isn't over, Jew." Cartman called after them, completely forgetting that Fiona was still standing there. Kyle noticed, however.

"Aren't you coming, Fiona?"

She shook her head. "No, I just need to talk to someone before class. They said they would meet me in the cafeteria at the bell. I'll catch you later, Kyle."

Kyle understood, but felt nervous about letting her stay behind while Cartman was still around. Stan gestured for him to keep walking and not to worry.

"The sooner you get away from Cartman, the better." Stan's voice faded out, as the boys left the area.

Cartman lingered for a bit, deciding if he should go to class or not. He'd been skipping out a lot lately, to think of more ideas for his plan, seeing as none of his antagonizing seemed to do the trick as easily as he first thought. He needed a bit more time to come up with new tactics. Cartman was about to exit out the back door, when he was interrupted by loud, heavy footsteps coming towards him.

Without warning, Fiona charged at Cartman, slamming him forcefully into the wall.

"Aye! What the fuck was that for, you stupid bitch?"

"I know what you're trying to do, you little asshole, don't think for a second that I'm too stupid to catch on!" She gritted her teeth, while Cartman continued to stare at her in shock from the impact.

"W-whatever are you talking about, F-F-Fiona?" Cartman changed direction in his method, speaking sweetly and trying to put on another one of his best, mock-innocence façades.

Unfortunately, it didn't appear that she was buying the act. "Don't play dumb. You are trying to break us up, aren't you? Well let me just make one thing perfectly clear. Kyle is in LOVE with me, worships me, hell he would fucking kiss the ground where I walk! And you wanna know what else?" Fiona spat.

Cartman refused to let her see the slight terror he was feeling, as she surprisingly was able to lift his 100-and-something pounds into the air. He just glared at her, waiting for her to finish.

"No matter what stunt you pull, he will ALWAYS come back to me. Give up."

Then, she put him down, and rushed off. Cartman dusted off his clothes, waited for a moment to soak everything in, then stamped his foot in fury.

"Argh!"

* * *

"Fiona? Are you alright?" Kyle said nervously as he walked through he halls with his girlfriend after the last class. He didn't get a chance to kick the shit out of Cartman at lunch like he wanted to, and he still didn't know if that asshole had harassed her further after the bell. "Did Cartman give you any trouble… after lunch?"

She was silent, frowning, and her eyes closed slowly. "Not really. But he still makes me feel upset. All his mean-spirited comments are really taking their toll."

Kyle shook his head. "I know, I know. But it IS Cartman."

Fiona sighed in exasperation. "Yeah, but you said you would deal with him. What's the hold up? Do you not care about me?"

"No, no! O-of course I do, Fiona, but he's a… special breed of person. Meaning, he doesn't listen to anyone, and only does things for his own personal gain. And I've tried talking to him many times!"

"Well—" Fiona trailed off. They were now outside, away from listening ears and prying eyes. "—Maybe you should fucking try harder." Her voice had that edgy tone to it, the one that Kyle had yet to hear. It made a chill crawl up his spine, and he shivered.

"Y-yes. I will."

"Good." She turned away from him. "See you later."

Kyle stood in the snow, his teeth clicking together and the sound of that chilling voice still in his mind. What the fuck had come over her? He figured she must have just been frustrated from Cartman's taunts, and hopefully, she'd never do it again.

* * *

Cartman fumed to himself, as he paced in his room later that night. That bitch! That two faced, two timing, low-life, conceded fucking bitch! As if what happened three days ago wasn't bad enough, now she actually had the balls to challenge him? Nothing she had said made any sort of sense, at all! Kyle wouldn't choose her; he'd only known her for a little while. In Cartman's mind, there was no way Kyle would pick some girl over his friend. Sure, he had tried to kill Kyle, maim him, and he'd even given him aids, but by no means would this relationship last with her stuck up and violent attitude. Kyle was the smartest kid Cartman knew, he regretfully admitted, so he would surely dump her after seeing her true colours.

Cartman went to his desk and pulled out his notebook and a pen. He had been working all day, rehashing, scrapping and conjuring ideas, with little success. He'd already entitled the page: "Mission Expose the Super Slut-Bag", and he'd written a bunch of brainstorming notes with no positive results. But after today especially, he knew he had to insert as much effort as possible.

He had to give her some credit, however, as she had fueled his desire to break them up even more. No longer was this a light-hearted attempt. This was war, and this chick was a dangerous piece of work, with the audacity to flat-out challenge him— andlift him— no less. And she'd hurt his back too, that bitch! Cartman gently rubbed the area where he'd hit the wall.

_Kahl's in trouble if I don't hurry._ The nagging voice in the back of his head chattered. He tried his best to ignore it, because it worried him more so now than it did before, and he was still afraid to admit to himself that he remotely cared about Kyle's well-being. Instead, he focused on how to execute phase one of the mission, scribbling furiously. Then, something hit him like a ton of bricks. _Perfect, yes, simply genius. _He grinned maniacally.

By the time his mom knocked on the door to tell him it was bedtime, Cartman's face was already down in the papers, with many more scribbles littering them. He was finished the notes for phase one, and it had worn him out. Even so, the mastermind dreamed soundly, smiling in his sleep.

This ought to work, and then Kyle would surely see the error of his decisions, and dump that whore once and for all. Cartman was confident of that. Morning just needed to arrive.


End file.
